Mr. Nice Guy/Script
is working the DJ booth at Spin This. Wyatt: on a CD "This next track goes out to my peeps in the DVD section! It's Widescreen, with their latest groove, 'Hogging the Remote.'" comes up behind him as the track plays, slurping a soda. Some of the sound gets picked up in the mike, and Wyatt groans. "Ugh! You're like a horde of locusts! Aren't you supposed to be at work?" Jonesy: "I'm on a break. The Staple Hut is a pretty stressful place to work." Wyatt: sarcastic "Oh I'm sure." Jonesy: "I kid you not! The customers there are very demanding." looks around at the clientele of the store. "Mmm-mmm-mmm. You've got one sweet job with honeys like this walking around." Wyatt: "I dunno. I mean, Serena doesn't even know I exist." Jonesy: "Bud, listen. If you get thrown off one horse, you've got to get right back on another, and start swimming." blondes walk into the store. One of them is tan, with slightly curled hair. The other has straight hair, pale skin, and is totally concentrated on her cell phone. Jonesy brings Wyatt over to meet them. Jonesy: "Ladies! Wyatt here has had his eye on you since you walked into the store, and I must say, he has one sweet little eye." Gina: "Really?" Jonesy: "Oh yes. And why don't the four of us grab a movie and dessert tonight?" Gina: "On you?" Jonesy: "Sure." Britney: "Okay. I'm Britney? Like Spears? Only not?" back to her cell phone "Uh huh? I'm listening. No way!" Jonesy: "I'm Jonesy. This is Wyatt." Wyatt: nervously "Hi." Jonesy: "Bring your cute little butts to the Gigantoplex lobby at eight." Gina: "Sure." Britney: "Cool. Later!" Jonesy: "Seeya." Wyatt: "Buh-bye." Jonesy: they leave "Set 'em up with my looks, knock 'em down with my charm." Wyatt: "I can't go out tonight!" Jonesy: "You've gotta stop being such a wuss! Meet me here at closing." Wyatt: unhappy "Okay." Jonesy: "And try to grow some cojones by then?" ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Mr. Nice Guy' ---- ''Jen, and Caitlin are at the Big Squeeze. Caitlin is working while Jude flips through a magazine and Jen plays with a basketball. Jen: "I hear Jonesy and Wyatt have a hot double date tonight!" Jude: "Wish I had a date." Caitlin: "Don't worry, Jude. You can hang with us." Jude: up the magazine "Kay, so why are you always reading these anyway? Other than the pictures of hot babes." Caitlin: "These magazines are like the bibles of girlhood." Jen: "Are you serious? They're just a bunch of beauty tips that we already know and outfits we can't afford." Caitlin: "Um, no? They teach us how to be stylish modern women." Jude: inhaling "Chick magazines smell nice!" burps. Jen: "Ew!" Jude: "Sorry." Caitlin: "You know, you could stand to get more in touch with your feminine side." Jude: "No thanks, I'm perfectly happy being 100% pure dude." Caitlin: "It might help you get more girls." Jude: "Really? Where do I sign up?" giggles. Jen: "Oh, great. Teen Magazine has one more disciple." ---- and Jonesy are at the movie theater. Wyatt is on the phone with Nikki. Wyatt: "I don't know why I agreed to come! It was all Jonesy's idea." Nikki: "Relax, Wyatt, it's just a date. You're not disarming a nuclear warhead. And hey, if they said yes, they must not think you're all that ugly." Wyatt: "Hey!" hangs up and turns around. A long line of customers has formed. Jacket Girl: "Finally. Could I get some service now, please?" Nikki: "Sorry. Break time." line of customers gasps, appalled. ---- few minutes later, Jonesy checks his breath. Wyatt watches Jonesy take a spritz of mouthwash. Their dates arrive. Wyatt: them "They're here!" Jonesy "They're coming this way!" Jonesy: Wyatt off "Okay okay relax! They aren't flesh-eating zombies. It's just a couple of chicks!" Wyatt: behind him "You don't have to talk to zombies." Jonesy: "Man, you are hopeless. Leave the talking to me. Learn from the master." Britney: the phone "No, he didn't say that. No he didn't. No, he did not! I don't believe you." Jonesy: Wyatt forward "Welcome, ladies, to the best evening of your young lives." Wyatt: Britney "I didn't catch your name this afternoon." Britney: "Shut UP!" Wyatt "Oh, no, not you." the phone "You did not. You are so bad." Gina: "What'd she do?" Britney: "Gina, I'm talking." the phone "Okay, I gotta go. Some dudes are taking us to a movie? Later!" hangs up. "Sorry, duty calls." Jonesy: "You girls ready?" Gina: "Let's go. I'm Gina, by the way." Wyatt: "Hey." Jonesy: "I took the liberty of buying the tickets. We're gonna see Monk of the Green Dragon at 8:10." Wyatt: "Are you sure the girls want to see that?" Jonesy: "Of course they do. Lots of fights and ninjas and stuff?" moves away as Jonesy makes ninja poses and sound effects. "Wheeya! Ha! Ha! Hiya!" Gina: "I wanted to see that new Gwyneth Paltrow movie, Kissing a Moody, Dangerous Man." Britney: "Or that Kate Hudson movie, My Boyfriend Needs Some Work." Wyatt: "Maybe we should exchange the tickets." Jonesy: "No way, those movies bite! And speaking of biting, shall we head over to the snack bar? They have these awesome new nachos and cheese." Gina: "Are they low-carb?" Jonesy: "Sure, if you eat one bite." escorts them inside. Wyatt: counting his money "Six, seven, seven fifty, seven sixty..." Jonesy: "You girls are lucky I could fit you into my schedule this evening. I have a lot of responsibilities in my current retail venture." Gina: "Don't you work at the Staple Hut?" Britney: "I thought you worked at the Shoe Pit." Gina: "Ew! You shop there?" Britney: "As if!" Gina: "And didn't you work at the Party Lime?" Britney: "And the Denim Hole?" Gina: "And Belts, Belts, Belts!" Wyatt: "He gets fired a lot." phone rings. She picks up and begins talking. Jonesy confronts Wyatt. Jonesy: "Yeah, but I've been at this job for three days now and haven't been fired." Britney: "Omigosh, where?" Gina "Paula saw Sasean with another girl." Gina: "Hold on a sec, okay?" the phone conversation "What'd you see?" Jonesy: "What's the idea of making me look dumb in front of the girls?" Wyatt: "You don't need my help. Don't you think you're being a bit obnoxious?" Jonesy: "Buddy, chicks like a dude who can take charge. It's been that way since the caveman days." Wyatt: unconvinced "If you say so." Jonesy: "I know so. You'll see. After tonight, you'll never question the Jonesmiester again. Let's get some snacks." ---- movie hasn't started. The four dates are chatting. Jonesy: "Are you sure you don't want any popcorn? It's extremely salty and covered in that substitute butter product." Gina: "No thanks." Britney: "It's so bad for you?" Jonesy: "How can it be bad when it feels so right?" scarfs some down, smearing it on his face. Wyatt: "You know, Jonesy's not the only one to wear his popcorn. The Aztecs and the Incas used it to adorn their ceremonial headdresses." Jonesy: "Fascinating, Professor Egghead." Gina: "Really? They wore popcorn?" Britney: "That is so weird. Where'd you learn that?" Wyatt: "I dunno. I must have read it somewhere." fakes a yawn. Gina: "I like a guy who reads." Jonesy: "Me too! I mean, I like reading. Books and stuff. Whatever has words in it. I-I read it." movie starts. Announcer: "Sakura province in the Empire of Japan. A time of pride and war. A time of samurai. This is the time of the Monk of the Green Dragon!" puts his arm around Gina's shoulders and signals to Wyatt that he should do the same. Wyatt waves him off, and Jonesy shoves him. When Wyatt tries to ignore Jonesy, Jonesy pinches Wyatt's shoulder. Wyatt: "Yow!" covering "What a good opening!" Moviegoer: "Ssh!" sinks down into his seat, embarrassed. ---- movie has been running for some time now. Jonesy: "How come nobody talks in this movie?" Moviegoer: "Ssh!" Jonesy: "Who is that guy?" Other Moviegoer: "Ssh!" Jonesy: "When are we gonna see some ninja fights?" Gina, Wyatt, and Britney: "Ssh!" sulks. He opens his mouth to say something. Hiro: "Shush!" doesn't speak. ---- movie has ended. Gina and Britney are on the edge of tears, and Wyatt looks sad as well. Gina: "What a sad ending. It was so incredibly–" Britney: "Moving? I know! I saw Paula trying to call through, and I didn't even answer!" Wyatt: "It was incredible. What did you think, Jonesy?" is asleep in his chair. ---- exits the theater and walks up to the other three. Gina and Britney are crying. Jonesy: "That was so lame! I feel like asking for my money back." Wyatt: "You slept through the best part." Jonesy: "But it was in black and white. How cheap is that?" Wyatt: "It's meant to point out the bleakness of the life of peasantry in Imperial Japan." Jonesy: "I still say for twelve bucks you should get color." Britney: "Gee Wyatt, you sure know a lot about filmmaking." Wyatt: "Well, this girl I dated once loved going to the movies. In fact, she told me she didn't want to go out with me anymore right here." Gina and Britney: "Aww!" hug him. Gina: "Did you date long?" Wyatt: "Only for a couple of days, but it still hurt." Jonesy: and surprised "Huh?" Britney: him away "Do you wanna talk about it?" Jonesy: "Hey wait up!" ---- date has moved to Grind Me. Wyatt: "I really felt for the main character, you know? I mean, I understand his loneliness." Britney: "Oh yeah! I mean, I've never really been lonely, but I can totally relate." Jonesy: "Hey, how about the way those kooky Japanese people eat with those big toothpicks!" Wyatt: "They're called chopsticks?" Gina: "Duh. Don't you ever eat sushi?" Jonesy: "Raw fish? Hmm, lemme think–no." Britney: shivering "Hoo! It's cold in here." Wyatt: "Here. Take my coat." puts it around her shoulders. Britney: "Thank you!" Gina: "Brr!" receives no reply from Jonesy. ---- the Squeeze sit a huge stack of magazines. Caitlin is teaching Jude body language. Caitlin: "See, when I do this, it means I'm open to what you have to say." his arm "And if I touch your arm lightly, it means I like you." Jude: "So how is this helping me get in touch with my feminine side?" Caitlin: "A girl needs to know how to communicate things through body language. If you can become fluent in this language, you'll know exactly what a girl is thinking!" Jude: "Whoa! Kay. Teach me more." ---- dates are still discussing the movie. Jonesy: "I liked when the dude kicked the short guy and broke his elbow? That was cool, it bent the wrong way." Britney: Wyatt "We had a great time." Gina: "Maybe we could meet tomorrow. I'd love to hear more about–" Britney: "That book he was talking about? Me too." Wyatt: "Sure. I'll meet you here for coffee at three?" Britney: "Great." Jonesy: "I can tell you all about my hockey season. I kicked butt last year." fakes a yawn. Britney: "Don't bother. See you tomorrow, Wyatt." Wyatt: goodbye "Bye Britney. Gina." Jonesy: their dates leave "Thanks a lot." ---- and Jen are checking out the magazines. Nikki: "Okay, I must not be a girl, because none of this matters to me at all. 'Must-Haves for Summer?' Ugh. Says who?" Jen: "Thank you. If anyone ever learns anything remotely useful from these magazines, I'll drink a cup of lemon juice straight up." Caitlin: "Is that a bet?" Jen: "Yeah that's a bet!" Caitlin: "You'll see how well they work. Jude knows female body language now." Jude: nodding "I'm bilingual." Caitlin: over a fancy drink "There you go, Jude. A virgin pina colada lemon slush for the student." Jude: "Dudette, it is almost too beautiful to eat. But I must eat it, for that is my destiny." is carrying the drink out of the food court when Wyatt and Jonesy come by. He has to move carefully to avoid spilling the drink. Jonesy: "You totally torpedoed me with those girls!" Wyatt: "Trust me, you didn't need my help." Jonesy: "You made me look like an idiot." Wyatt: "I treated them like they were people. Not just miniskirts. You should try it." Jonesy: "Yeah right." Wyatt "Oh look at me! Look at me! I'm Mr. Sensitive!" normally "Excuse me while I take this knife out of my back." Wyatt: "I can't believe you said that! I'm going to work." leaves. Jonesy goes towards the usual table. Jude: his drink "Whoa. That was close." bottom falls out of the cup. "Well that's a shame." slips on the spilled drink. "So was that." Jen: Jonesy "What was that all about?" Jonesy: "Wyatt totally hosed me! I got us a date with two hot chicks and he pulled the sensitive smart guy routine; now they think I'm a dork." Nikki: "Maybe it's because you are a dork." Jonesy: "Thanks a lot. He didn't have to crank it up so much!" Jen: "It isn't just a routine. Wyatt really is just a nice guy." Caitlin: up the spilled drink "Yeah, and girls like honesty." Jonesy: "No way! Girls want a guy who's got an edge. A guy with attitude. Watch this." runs over to Jacket Girl. "Hey baby, you look tired. I think what you need is a little Vitamin J, and I'm a lifetime supply." Jacket Girl: "Beat it, loser." Jude: "Okay. That body language said 'Get out of my face, jerk!'" Caitlin: "Right! A-plus!" Jonesy: back to the table, lamenting "It can't be true! What's happening?" Caitlin: "You have a great personality. It just needs a little...tweaking. We can rebuild him! Right guys?" Jude: up the magazines "We have the technology!" Nikki: "We can try." Jen: "What the heck, he can't get worse." Caitlin: "We'll make him sweeter! Kinder! More sensitive! Get ready to down a glass of lemon juice, Jen." Jen: "Somehow, I'm just not that worried." Jonesy: "Aw, whatever. I can do this. Wyatt will not be the only nice guy in this town." ---- girls are gathered behind Jonesy. The stack of magazines is still on the table. Caitlin: "Jonesy. Any good makeover starts from within." Jen: Nikki "She knows the lingo." Nikki: Jen "She doesn't have a chance." Caitlin: "And I know just how to do it. The greatest invention ever in the history of womankind. The magazine quiz." at random "Rate Your Man. How to Be a Better Boyfriend. Rock Her World. Are You a Selfish Pig." Jonesy: "Those are chick quizzes! Do they really work?" Caitlin: "Duh! Without them I never would have known I was a slave to fashion and a high-maintenance menace. You're gonna take all of these tests so we can determine what work has to be done here." takes a pen and starts filling the tests out. ---- Nikki: Jonesy's results "Whoo! Congratulations. You are officially...a not-so-mr.-nice-guy and a love life leper. Your selfish knob goes up to eleven, and you're an ugly creep who smells bad." Jonesy: "You threw that last one in yourself." Nikki: snickering "Guilty." Caitlin: "Oh, this is worse than I thought. We're gonna have to use drastic measures. One of us will have to be a pretend date for Jonesy to practice on." Jen: "Nuh-uh, no way, this was your stupid idea." Nikki: "Um, I'd rather watch someone eat my hand." Caitlin: "Oh come on, you guys! Someone has to be our test girl." comes up eating an ice cream and carrying a magazine. The gang looks at him. Jude: the magazine to hide his face "I can feel you looking at me but I'm hoping that if I ignore you, you'll go away." ---- ploy has not worked. He is now in drag outside the lemon. Jude: "Bad strategy." Jonesy: "This is so humiliating." Jude: "Dude, at least you're not the one in a tennis dress." Jen: back a laugh "Sorry, it was all I could find." Caitlin: "It'll be good practice for you, Jude. Remember your feminine side?" Jonesy "Now, for the next level of boyfriend training, Judy is your date. You have to be polite, gentlemanly, and accommodate her every need." bats his eyelashes. Jonesy: "Aw man, don't do that!" Jude: "I'm just getting into the mood." Caitlin: "Why not start with a little compliment? It's always nice for a girl to feel she's attractive." Jonesy: "Are you kidding me?" Jude: crying "Waaah!" Nikki: "Oh no. You've made her cry." Jonesy: "Can it, Jude." Caitlin: "It's Ju-dy! And that's no way to talk to a girl." Jude: falsetto "Yeah!" Jonesy: sighing "I gotta get some new friends." Caitlin: "Try again." Jonesy: "You look really...p-pretty today...Judy. Have you done something different to your hair?" Jude: falsetto "That's so sweet of you to notice! Dude." leans in, and Jonesy falls back, tripping over his chair. Jonesy: "Is that more like it?" ---- Britney, and Gina are in the bookstore. Wyatt: "This is a great novel if you're into past lives and reincarnation. Really got me thinking." Britney: "Wow. I wish I could buy it, but I forgot my wallet." Gina: "Me too." Wyatt: "Why don't I buy you each a copy?" Britney: "Oh! Thanks Wyatt. And while we're here, there's this other book on Kabbalah I wanted to grab." Gina: "Oh! Me too." Wyatt: "Oh. Are you Jewish?" Britney: "No, but Madonna says it's really good for your soul." Gina: "Yeah. Oh, and you get to wear a really cute red bracelet." Britney: "Ooh! C'mon, let's find it!" ---- is being a good boyfriend. Jonesy: "Would you care for another onion ring, sweetheart?" Jude: falsetto "Why no, Jonesy, I'm stuffed!" Jonesy: "You dropped your napkin." hands it over. Jude: falsetto "Oh, thanks!" burps, sending spit all over Jonesy. Jonesy: "How charming." Nikki: shocked "I thought it couldn't be done." Jen: "What control!" Caitlin: "I think he's ready for his final test. You must get a girl's phone number using your new, nice persona. Here are your props." Jonesy: "Poetry and Alanis Morissette? This is chick stuff!" dawns on him. "Right." Caitlin: "Quick review. You are walking towards a closed door with a girl. What do you do?" Jonesy: "I open the door for the girl." Caitlin: "At the movies with a girl, you always go to which movie?" Jonesy: "The one with the hot guy in it." Caitlin: "A girl asks you if you look fat. You say?" Jonesy: "You? Noooooo." Nikki: "By George, I think he's got it." Caitlin: "There's a girl. Using what we've taught, get her phone number." Jonesy: "No probs." walks towards the girl. Caitlin: "Who's George?" Nikki: "Nevermind." Jen: "Hang on. He's coming back already." Jonesy: "I got her digits." Jen: "That was quick." Caitlin: "One glass of pure lemon juice! Drink it up, sister! I told you they worked." Jonesy: "You would've been proud. I said, 'I've just been reading this book of poetry, and I thought you might have some insight, because you're like a poem yourself.'" girl comes up behind him. "She totally bought that line!" girl, offended, taps him on the shoulder and then kicks him in the shin before walking away. Jonesy: "Ow!" Jen: the cup back "Oh, I think you might want to hold on to that for a bit." Jonesy: "Okay, bad call. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to kick Wyatt's butt at his own game." Caitlin: to a realization "If he does...it's gonna be all my fault, isn't it?" ---- Gina, and Britney are at the coffeehouse. Gina: "Thanks for buying us coffees again." Britney: "Yeah. You're such a nice guy." Jonesy: the table "Excuse me. May I join you?" Wyatt: "Jonesy?" Jonesy: a seat "Thanks. I was just at a poetry reading at the food court. Very inspiring." chokes. Britney: "I didn't know you were into poetry." Jonesy: "Oh, sure. But I wanna know more about you two ladies. Gina, that's a great color on you. It really brings out your eyes." Gina: "Wow! Thanks Jonesy. Britney, should we go–" Britney: "–freshen up? Totally!" and Wyatt help the girls out of their chairs and watch them leave. Wyatt: upset "What's wrong with you?" Jonesy: "You thought you had the market cornered, but I'm in the game now! And I'm all over this nice guy garbage. Those girls'll be eating out of my hand in no time." Wyatt: "It's not a competition, Jonesy!" Jonesy: "Oh yes it is, my friend. And just remember, when I'm leaving you in my dust, that you started it!" girls come back. Britney: Gina "Shut up!" Jonesy: "Ladies. How about taking a walk and getting to know each other a little bit better?" Gina: "Okay!" Britney: "Sure." Gina: "Oh, but we have some shopping to do. If you guys don't mind." Wyatt: "Not at all." Jonesy: "Just let me pay for your coffees." Wyatt: "Already did it!" Jonesy: "Keener. Say, who loves golden retriever puppies?" Gina and Britney: "Eee! Me!" ---- and Wyatt are loaded down with clothes at the Khaki Barn. Gina: "These pants are so now." Britney: "And I have to try these t-shirts. You don't mind, do you?" Wyatt: "Not at all!" Jonesy: "Oh, you just shop your little hearts out!" Gina: "Could you just hold my purse?" hangs her purse on Jonesy's finger and walks off to try on clothes. Nikki comes up behind him. Nikki: "Hey Casanova, great purse. So how's the nice guy strategy going?" Jonesy: "There had better be a kiss at the end of all this, and it had better involve tongue and lots of it." Wyatt: "At least you didn't get peed on by a puppy." ---- El Sporto's, the four have chosen a table and are ordering their food. Jonesy: "And bring us four cappuccinos, please." Gina: "You're like, so generous!" Britney: "And so nice." Jonesy: to Wyatt "And so going to score." Wyatt: back "This isn't over yet." over a plush puppy "For you." Britney: "Oh, it's so cute! Thanks!" Wyatt: "Just a little something to remember me by." Jonesy: snorting "Amateur." normally "Gina, I'd really like to take our relationship to the next step. You know, as–" gulping "–your boyfriend?" Gina: "Boyfriend? Jonesy, I think you misunderstood my feelings for you." Britney: "Yeah, we like you guys as friends." Jonesy and Wyatt: "Friends?" Gina: "Yeah, I thought you knew that." Britney: "And I thought you guys were gay." Jonesy: "Not gay not gay! Hold on. You just said I was a nice guy!" Gina: "That's kind of the problem. You're too nice. We're more into dark, moody guys who don't treat us well." Britney: "Someone we can change." Jonesy: unhappy "I held your purse like a girly-man!" Britney: "Sorry!" takes a sip of her drink. Wyatt: "Will you excuse us for a minute?" and Wyatt get up and go to the other side of the restaurant. Jonesy: "This is so wrong. They thought I was gay! I'm so not gay." Wyatt: "I dropped a fortune on them and they used me!" Jonesy: "I missed work at the Staple Hut for this stupid date! Too nice, my butt!" starts thinking and gets an idea. He smiles. "It's too bad they don't have any money with them." Wyatt: it and chuckling "A darn shame." two exit the restaurant happily. ---- girls and Jude are gathered around the table, reading girls' magazines. Jude is still in drag. Jonesy and Wyatt arrive. Wyatt: "Did you see the look on her face?" Jonesy: "It was awesome!" Wyatt: Jude "What the–" Jonesy: "Don't ask." Caitlin: "So how'd it go?" Jonesy: "Let's just say no more mister nice guy. Got any more of those magazines?" Caitlin: "Do you wanna take another quiz?" Jonesy: "No way! Those quizzes suck! But there are a lot of hot babes." Jude: "Models. I like those chicks." Jonesy: "Jude." Jude: "Dude." hi-five. Caitlin grabs the magazine back. Jude: "What?" Caitlin: "Your feminine side wouldn't say that!" Jude: "Yeah. You know, I think I'm happy with my dude side after all. This wig itches, and my tennis undies are riding up my butt." Caitlin: "Fine. Live in ignorance." Jen: "Looks like I won't be drinking any lemon juice today! Yes!" Nikki: "So, what happened to your dates?" Wyatt: "Oh, I think they might be busy for a while..." ---- and Britney are washing dishes to pay off their bill. Busboy: "Hurry up, we're out of snail forks." ---- and Wyatt laugh as they remember how they tricked the two. Nikki: "Nice, I guess nothing that you learned in training stuck, huh?" Jonesy: "You know, I did learn something. I should try to be a little more like Wyatt, and Wyatt should learn to be a little more like me. Then maybe, just maybe, the world would be a better place." pauses to let this sink in. Jonesy and Wyatt: "Yeah right!" laugh. Staple Hut Manager: "There you are! You missed your shift. Bucko, you're fired!" and Wyatt stare after him in shock, but soon resume their laughter. Caitlin: "You're so immature!" Nikki: "Surprise, surprise." Jen: "Oh, men!" Category:Season 1